Bearing Your Stripes

For me, motherhood has been a constant struggle of trying to be selfless while also finding time for myself. Which usually means eating my meals on the floor while playing with a baby (or now eating my meals on the floor while playing with a baby and keeping said baby away from grabbing my food ;). If if we're being completely honest, I'm not that great at that. Today, hands went in my homemade, but never-making-again-because-it's-too-expensive-to-make  DELICIOUS chocolate coconut milk ice cream not once but twice, and instead of getting up too get a napkin I just licked my daughter's hand clean. Yup.

Motherhood has also meant writing blog posts, keeping my tired eyes awake while illustrating, and eating ice cream at ungodly hours of the night because that is my only alone time. It's meant giving up my desk to work at because it's currently being held in captivity by a giant crib in a crowded bedroom that I also share with my daughter. It's meant finding time that I would usually (and should be) getting rest to do the things I love.

But most of all, it's meant letting go of my need to be perfect, to think that I have it all together, or to try to impress people. It's been a time where I've had to bear my stripes on many occasions. If you're an avid Instagram user like me, you'll know that it's so easy to look at perfect pictures and think that people have it all together. That, even when they clearly state that today was hard and cheerios were spilt and tantrums were endless, they still have a happy and cheerful photo displayed of them smiling in the kitchen or snuggling with a baby. And two and two doesn't really come together because the happy photo does not match the stressed out description. Because who wants to share the bad photos? There is never a screaming, wailing, unhappy looking baby picture. I'm happy to report that I do the same thing, but under less professional looking photographic standards. Believe me, you do not want to see my screaming, wailing child in my worst moments, and I really don't want to remember those times either, I get that. But I also get that there's a lot of healing in reminding someone of the good in the bad, and that's what I love seeing on social media. Beautiful squares that tell a story. One's that mix in the good and the bad, while keeping the positive light through photography.

On another note, I'm also happy to report that they were right when they said "it get's easier." I clearly remember sitting in the living room during the first two weeks of my daughter's life and just crying while she slept. Crying because I was every form of exhausted and telling my mom how I felt bad just letting her lay there in her bassinet (when she was perfectly ok) because I thought me not spending every second with her meant I was being a bad mom. She reminded me that I was doing a great job and I didn't need to feel that way. She reminded me that many times after that, until I l could believe it myself.

 I look back to that time five months ago and am reminded at just how far I've come. You see, by learning to bear our stripes we get to experience this deep sense of healing. The stripes that the jacket we put on tends to cover unless we open it up and really let people see what's inside. And that can come with a lot of tears, self doubt, and sitting in a living room while desperately asking God to help you and give you answers. I promise you that the start of showing your stripes is where the healing begins. Whether you're a mom or not, no stripe is too small. Whether you have perfect Instagram photos or not, you matter too. So I encourage you to never feel like your problems aren't worth sharing for the purpose of healing. We all have stripes that need healed. So share them, tell a friend, text a friend, if you don't know who to tell, tell me, I'd love to carry that stripe with you and help you heal. 

Good night friends, may your night be more restful and less impaling of baby feet/hands/arms/legs than mine.

xo

My illustration is inspired by this jacket