The Missing Piece of My Story

I've been silent for so long. God has always had a way of speaking to me through songs or writing..sometimes even song writing. But as I listened to the song, “The Voyage,”by Amanda Cook this morning, the first verse said, "speak, even if your voice is trembling. Please, you've been quiet for so long." Along with this, the words of my good friend floated around in my head, saying, "you have an amazing story and people need to hear it."
 The thing is, I've shared bits and pieces of my story before through this blog , but I've always left out a pretty important part of that story. It makes the more recent happenings-the loose ends-begin to tie together. How’ all of a sudden I have a daughter when everyone thought I was this well behaved Christian girl,’ will suddenly make sense to you.  It isn't pretty, but it's pretty  important. I've only told a handful or two of people, and every time I've told each person, I've cried. It's a hard part to tell. So please understand, that as I share this missing piece of my story, that I'm sharing probably the most vulnerable piece of my heart.
Growing up in a Christian home, I always planned on saving myself until marriage. So, when I told everyone that I was pregnant with Finley, everyone was very shocked. Some of my closest friends judged me, strangers judged me, until I told the closest people in my life how it happened. That's when they realized how fragile I was. How hard it was for me to even speak to them about this. And the thing is, I was always saving myself until marriage. My purity was so valued and it was important to me. But at the end of college, I started using the dating app Tinder. I'd go on dates with guys and it was fun. I'd get free food, I'd see different areas of NYC- it was care-free. Until I met this guy. He said we should hang out, so one day, after talking on Tinder, I invited him over  to my dorm room. No big deal. I had just hung out with guys before like this and we’d talk about life or watch a movie. But then, we started kissing, and I clearly told him we were not having sex. But  before I knew it, we were. When I realized  what was happening, I told him to stop, many times, but he didn't. So I just layed there, helpless, because he was physically stronger than me.  I didn't want to tell him to stop too loudly, because the walls in my dorm weren't that thick. What if someoneone hears me? This was so embarrassing. I  am an RA (resident advisor). I’m supposed to be an example. I’m supposed to be responding to emergencies, not the other way around. I was afraid. These were the thoughts running through my head.
So to put it into words, I was raped. And I didn't really realize it at first because no one had ever talked to me about it. Yeah, you learned about sex growing up in health class and in church, but no one ever talked about how to determine what rape was, or that consent always needed to happen. How was I supposed to even know the difference between rape and sex when I had never even had sex before?
So this guy left my dorm room after having the audacity to ask if I had any food, ate some, and then he took a shower. When he was gone I didn't even know how to feel. I just knew I was in pain because I could barely walk.  I had an idea what had happened to me, but whenever someone talks about rape they tell you this crazy- terrible story that is horrific. No one ever starts talking about rape by simply saying, “if you say no, and that’s ignored, it is rape.” So I thought that that was the only qualification to determine that someone was  “raped”. I thought it had to be this horrific story that meant the girl was unconscious and drugged or taken off of a street by a stranger. Just because my story [thankfully] wasn’t that extreme does not mean it wasn’t painful. Or true.  I also thought no one would believe me, or would tell me it was my fault because I was the one who invited him over to my room in the first place.That I had it coming. That it was just bad sex. But it wasn't. And as the days passed and I still told no one, I began to realize more clearly what had happened to me. That it wasn't my fault. But I was still ashamed.
The purity ring I wore on my right ring finger became a ring on a chain around my neck that guys would ask about, and I'd simply reply, "it's nothing," as I became a person I couldn't even recognize. I'd go out with guys and was reckless.The last few weeks of college I shut everyone out, kept going on dates and sleeping with guys I had just met to cover up the pain. I didn't know how to feel or think so I tried not to. I stuffed down all of the emotions I was feeling until I started to feel nothing. I thought that since my purity was taken from me that it didn't matter what I did anymore. But a friend reminded me this summer what God has been showing me since I was pregnant with my daughter. That purity is of the heart. That God can restore anything. Anything. Anything that has been broken. Taken. Ripped apart. He makes beauty out of the ashes. It's been 3 years and 3 months since I was raped. But it's also been 3 years since I've been abstinent. You see, you can start over at any point in your life. All you have to do is choose. The choice of how you decide to live your life is always up to you.
I'm still waiting for the man God has for me, and even though it isn't the traditional way most people wait until marriage, this is my way. Just because something was taken from me doesn't mean that I have to live in the past and let it define me. Rape does not define me. Situations don't define me. Who God says I am beautiful, loved, valued, worthy, pure- THAT defines me. Because you see, God makes all things new. He uses terrible situations and turns them into flowers that bloom and grow into beauty. If I wasn't raped, I would never have slept with random people, which in turn is the way I met the guy that got me pregnant with my daughter ( not to be confused with the guy who raped me). Because of the fact that God turned my ashes into beauty- because of that- I am thankful. Finley wouldn't be here if I didn't walk through that dark part of my life. Seeing that now, from the other side, makes all the difference.
So I want you to know that whatever darkness you have walked through, or are walking through right now, no matter how big or small it might seem, God is going to turn it into beauty. Trust me. I know. I know that if I continued to walk down the road of sleeping around with guys I didn't truly know or love that I would be in a completely different place than I am  today. I would be walking down a very dark path full of emptiness and brokenness. But getting pregnant saved me. God literally reached down, created life inside of me, and told me that I was created for a much better purpose. More than wasting my life away by being consumed by this world. I was created for greatness. You are created for greatness. God can pull you out of your circumstance in an instant. He doesn't make you walk through the darkness because he doesn't love you. That is simply not true. Sometimes we have to walk through the darkness because that is where He shows us how powerful His light is. That is life changing. He showed me that I didn't have to walk in shame anymore. And yeah, it was going to hurt, walking around as a pregnant, single, 20 year old mother to be, my sins showing on the outside and being judged every way I turned, but it was also going to show the world how great He really is. How He created beautiful life from ashes. A perfect, innocent child. Giving me Finley was God's way of giving me a second chance at life. It was like He was saying, "Emma, you don't have to walk this alone. And I know this is a lot different than what you expected, but guess what? It's going to be EVEN BETTER than you could have ever imagined." And it is.
God always gets all of the glory. Even the worst situation somehow ends up being flipped upside down and transformed into something truly beautiful that honors God and glorifies Him in every way. He's there, every step of the way. He will never leave your side. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.