Walking Through Fire to Purpose
You know how a lot of time things happen in your life and you wonder how you're going to look back at them one day and see that is all happened for a reason? A good reason? Well, this morning I came to a newfound realization that that is ACTUALLY TRUE. That I am standing on the other side of fighting some pretty big battles and I need to share that goodness with you. I need to share it because if I don't, I know there are a lot of people who may think that being stuck in the middle of their trenches might last forever. That they can't hold on much longer because what they are facing is becoming to hard to face. That what they are going through is suffocating them and they cannot find air. I want you to know that you are not alone, your battle is not too big for God to handle, and that terrible things and feelings don't last forever. There is hope, purpose and redemption waiting for you THROUGH and at the end of this battle.
If you know me, have read at least one of my personal blog posts, or heard part of my story at one point or another, then you know that I have been through a lot. And if you don't know that, let me give you a short, one sentence rundown. I grew up in a Christian home, struggled with separation anxiety through my childhood and into my teen years, an eating disorder through high school, a year of crippling anxiety my senior year of high school, separation anxiety my first year of college, sexual assault my final semester of college, and getting pregnant a few weeks after I graduated college, bringing me to the place of single motherhood that I am in right now. A hard yet beautiful place that I would not change for the world.
So, to talk about my realization, this morning, as I'm listening to a message one of my dear friends gave at my home church in the Poconos, I felt God showing me the blessings and growth He has given me by walking through those seasons of fire in my life. As my friend spoke about her season of anxiety that she wrestled with, God painted this bold and beautiful picture in front of me with so much depth that I thought I was looking through a telescope. He showed me how bringing me through the fire both grew me while going through it and prepared me for what to come. This is what he showed me.
He showed me that if I had not walked through a school year of anxiety my senior year of high school, where I would wake up, feel the pulse of it through my body, and only remain sane by singing songs inside my head to remind me of His truth and let every lie fade away about my future until my mind rested as I slept, I would not have learned to fully cling to God when I felt like I had no control of my mind. When He took that anxiety completely away, in April of 2013, He was planting a seed of dependence on Him and not my parents. If He hadn't walked me through anxiety, I wouldn't have walked through my first year of college in NYC, never calling my mom, only texting her to refrain from sobbing with each phone, and depending on God to help me feel brave by finding an incredible church family that gave me an even bigger realization that there was so much more for me and such an excitement and depth to knowing Jesus. If I didn't stay at college, away from home that I missed so much, learning to trust, I would not have gotten through the year and trusted in His plan and seen miracles when my right hand and arm (also my dominant hand that I needed to draw with at college) stopped working in April and had to use my left hand instead ( that I somehow drew better with), trusting that God would let it create what I needed to create to pass my classes (and it did). The people I was able to witness to and the hearts and eyes I saw open was something that I would never had seen if my arm hadn't stopped working and felt normal.
If he didn't bring me through the season of trust, I would not have trusted that God was bigger than any circumstance, and through that could make me brave, even when that circumstance happened to have been being sexually assaulted in April of 2015. And if that terrible thing didn't happened, I wouldn't have gone through months of struggle and sleeping around, wondering who I was, choosing bravery instead of cowardliness when I had to tell my daughter's father, my parents, family and friends that I was pregnant. If I hadn't chose bravery, I wouldn't have become strong, strong enough to leave the pieces of my eating disorder that lingered in my thoughts behind, to grow a child, and work and give birth to her. If I didn't choose strength by having my daughter, I would not have experienced love. I would not have my beautiful, independent, brave, strong-willed and fiercely loving daughter, Finley, today. And you know what's funny? Those qualities that she has are the same qualities I had to learn to have before I could have her. I don't think that's a coincidence.
You see, dreams are not made of dust. They are made of fire. They require blood, sweat and tears in all of their seasonal forms.
They say that motherhood changes you, and you don't remember life before you were a mother, which can be true in some ways, but I don't think that's true for me personally. Because a story isn't really a story when you just tell part of a it.
Also, I want to make it very clear that I am not saying that you have to become a mother to see how much your past has propelled your future. There are so many different stories, and with God as the writer, you might not know what you're going to get, but I can tell you that it's going to be good. Sometimes, most times, you have to go through some type of figurative fire in order for God to take away all of that bacteria, and disease, and things that will hold you back unless you let him shape you into the person you need to become. And that is part of writing your story.
Have you ever seen a finished clay pot and just marveled at its beauty? Well, in order for the clay to become pottery, it had to go into a kiln in the temperature ranging from 1800 to 2400 degrees fahrenheit. It had to be heated and shaped to such a degree to become a finished piece that had a purpose. For you to become a piece in the world of life with a beautiful purpose, you have to go through some degree of fire in your life.
This morning I realized that if God had never intentionally written my story and taken me through different seasons of my life, I would not be here today. If I hadn't had faith that brought me through the fire of eating disorders and anxiety, I would not be alive. I would not being writing this story to you, telling you about God's goodness and faithfulness, and I would not be a mother. I would not feel like I had a true purpose. I would not be experiencing one of my deepest and most beautiful dreams, of being a mom and all of the mundane things that it entails. And yes, I am 100% aware that my situation is nonconventional. I am a single mother. I don't have a husband, or fancy things, and usually zero personal space, except for maybe an hour a day when my daughter naps, but I have the understanding, thankfulness, a healthy body and mind, and those are a few of the answers to my prayers. I have never felt a truer purpose than my purpose now at this point in my life.
And I want you to know that you have purpose too. Do not give up when it gets hard, do not fade away to nothing when you hear the voice inside your head (which is not yours by the way) that tells you you are worthless, do not let another person define you by what they did to you or how they hurt you. You were made to walk through the fire and come away from it with thicker skin, bold ambitions, bravery and purpose. God is not finished writing your story. He isn't finished with you. He loves you deeply and wants you to feel all of the joys that life has to offer. He wants to show you that true joy with feel even deeper than the darkness you are facing. His promises are bigger than any problem you will ever face.
You might be feeling completely lost and like you're suffocating, like you cannot find a way out of the mess you are in, but let me remind you that there is HOPE. I have been there, in the middle of the fire clinging to the little sanity and self worth I had left. I have felt lost and like I had no where to go. I have felt unworthy and violated. But the problem with all of those thoughts was that there actually wasn't worthlessness in me, or desolation, or a lack of purpose, I just chose to believe that. I chose to believe the lies that people thought or said to me instead of the truth that God says about me. And what He says of me is all that TRULY matters. He says that I am beautifully and wonderfully made, that he knitted me together (do you know how hard knitting is?) in my mother's womb, and breathed air into my lungs when I was born. That I live and move and am alive because He said for me to be. And in order for me to realize that, I had to walk through fire to actually realize and feel these qualities that God had already given me. I just didn't know how to use them.
But He doesn't just say those things about me, he also says them about you. He has given your gifts and abilities that you never would be able to use if you didn't have to walk through something uncomfortable. You were made for a purpose, and most times that does mean walking through the fire, but the amazing thing is, like a clay pot, He is not going to let you burn when you have to go through it. Yes, it will get hot, uncomfortable and you might need a way out, but just when you think what you're going through is more than you can bear, He will swoop in, carry you through that fire, and bring you out onto the other side with more purpose than you know what to do with. He will carry you and equip you so that you can see your purpose and use it to change the world.
If you know me, have read at least one of my personal blog posts, or heard part of my story at one point or another, then you know that I have been through a lot. And if you don't know that, let me give you a short, one sentence rundown. I grew up in a Christian home, struggled with separation anxiety through my childhood and into my teen years, an eating disorder through high school, a year of crippling anxiety my senior year of high school, separation anxiety my first year of college, sexual assault my final semester of college, and getting pregnant a few weeks after I graduated college, bringing me to the place of single motherhood that I am in right now. A hard yet beautiful place that I would not change for the world.
So, to talk about my realization, this morning, as I'm listening to a message one of my dear friends gave at my home church in the Poconos, I felt God showing me the blessings and growth He has given me by walking through those seasons of fire in my life. As my friend spoke about her season of anxiety that she wrestled with, God painted this bold and beautiful picture in front of me with so much depth that I thought I was looking through a telescope. He showed me how bringing me through the fire both grew me while going through it and prepared me for what to come. This is what he showed me.
He showed me that if I had not walked through a school year of anxiety my senior year of high school, where I would wake up, feel the pulse of it through my body, and only remain sane by singing songs inside my head to remind me of His truth and let every lie fade away about my future until my mind rested as I slept, I would not have learned to fully cling to God when I felt like I had no control of my mind. When He took that anxiety completely away, in April of 2013, He was planting a seed of dependence on Him and not my parents. If He hadn't walked me through anxiety, I wouldn't have walked through my first year of college in NYC, never calling my mom, only texting her to refrain from sobbing with each phone, and depending on God to help me feel brave by finding an incredible church family that gave me an even bigger realization that there was so much more for me and such an excitement and depth to knowing Jesus. If I didn't stay at college, away from home that I missed so much, learning to trust, I would not have gotten through the year and trusted in His plan and seen miracles when my right hand and arm (also my dominant hand that I needed to draw with at college) stopped working in April and had to use my left hand instead ( that I somehow drew better with), trusting that God would let it create what I needed to create to pass my classes (and it did). The people I was able to witness to and the hearts and eyes I saw open was something that I would never had seen if my arm hadn't stopped working and felt normal.
If he didn't bring me through the season of trust, I would not have trusted that God was bigger than any circumstance, and through that could make me brave, even when that circumstance happened to have been being sexually assaulted in April of 2015. And if that terrible thing didn't happened, I wouldn't have gone through months of struggle and sleeping around, wondering who I was, choosing bravery instead of cowardliness when I had to tell my daughter's father, my parents, family and friends that I was pregnant. If I hadn't chose bravery, I wouldn't have become strong, strong enough to leave the pieces of my eating disorder that lingered in my thoughts behind, to grow a child, and work and give birth to her. If I didn't choose strength by having my daughter, I would not have experienced love. I would not have my beautiful, independent, brave, strong-willed and fiercely loving daughter, Finley, today. And you know what's funny? Those qualities that she has are the same qualities I had to learn to have before I could have her. I don't think that's a coincidence.
You see, dreams are not made of dust. They are made of fire. They require blood, sweat and tears in all of their seasonal forms.
They say that motherhood changes you, and you don't remember life before you were a mother, which can be true in some ways, but I don't think that's true for me personally. Because a story isn't really a story when you just tell part of a it.
Also, I want to make it very clear that I am not saying that you have to become a mother to see how much your past has propelled your future. There are so many different stories, and with God as the writer, you might not know what you're going to get, but I can tell you that it's going to be good. Sometimes, most times, you have to go through some type of figurative fire in order for God to take away all of that bacteria, and disease, and things that will hold you back unless you let him shape you into the person you need to become. And that is part of writing your story.
Have you ever seen a finished clay pot and just marveled at its beauty? Well, in order for the clay to become pottery, it had to go into a kiln in the temperature ranging from 1800 to 2400 degrees fahrenheit. It had to be heated and shaped to such a degree to become a finished piece that had a purpose. For you to become a piece in the world of life with a beautiful purpose, you have to go through some degree of fire in your life.
This morning I realized that if God had never intentionally written my story and taken me through different seasons of my life, I would not be here today. If I hadn't had faith that brought me through the fire of eating disorders and anxiety, I would not be alive. I would not being writing this story to you, telling you about God's goodness and faithfulness, and I would not be a mother. I would not feel like I had a true purpose. I would not be experiencing one of my deepest and most beautiful dreams, of being a mom and all of the mundane things that it entails. And yes, I am 100% aware that my situation is nonconventional. I am a single mother. I don't have a husband, or fancy things, and usually zero personal space, except for maybe an hour a day when my daughter naps, but I have the understanding, thankfulness, a healthy body and mind, and those are a few of the answers to my prayers. I have never felt a truer purpose than my purpose now at this point in my life.
And I want you to know that you have purpose too. Do not give up when it gets hard, do not fade away to nothing when you hear the voice inside your head (which is not yours by the way) that tells you you are worthless, do not let another person define you by what they did to you or how they hurt you. You were made to walk through the fire and come away from it with thicker skin, bold ambitions, bravery and purpose. God is not finished writing your story. He isn't finished with you. He loves you deeply and wants you to feel all of the joys that life has to offer. He wants to show you that true joy with feel even deeper than the darkness you are facing. His promises are bigger than any problem you will ever face.
You might be feeling completely lost and like you're suffocating, like you cannot find a way out of the mess you are in, but let me remind you that there is HOPE. I have been there, in the middle of the fire clinging to the little sanity and self worth I had left. I have felt lost and like I had no where to go. I have felt unworthy and violated. But the problem with all of those thoughts was that there actually wasn't worthlessness in me, or desolation, or a lack of purpose, I just chose to believe that. I chose to believe the lies that people thought or said to me instead of the truth that God says about me. And what He says of me is all that TRULY matters. He says that I am beautifully and wonderfully made, that he knitted me together (do you know how hard knitting is?) in my mother's womb, and breathed air into my lungs when I was born. That I live and move and am alive because He said for me to be. And in order for me to realize that, I had to walk through fire to actually realize and feel these qualities that God had already given me. I just didn't know how to use them.
But He doesn't just say those things about me, he also says them about you. He has given your gifts and abilities that you never would be able to use if you didn't have to walk through something uncomfortable. You were made for a purpose, and most times that does mean walking through the fire, but the amazing thing is, like a clay pot, He is not going to let you burn when you have to go through it. Yes, it will get hot, uncomfortable and you might need a way out, but just when you think what you're going through is more than you can bear, He will swoop in, carry you through that fire, and bring you out onto the other side with more purpose than you know what to do with. He will carry you and equip you so that you can see your purpose and use it to change the world.
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